I started my Caitlin Planned a Wedding series about a month ago (you can catch up here if you’d like!) and it’s time for the first real installment! This post probably won’t read like anything you’ve perused on other wedding related blogs, but that’s ok! I’m all about not following the wedding rules, and that goes for blogging about weddings, too! Don’t worry, I’ll tackle guest lists, budgets, and wedding dress shopping later, but first I need to say a little something about the single most important thing that can make or break your whole wedding-planning experience: communication.
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As with any endeavor, communication is key. Be it with your photographer or other vendors, your partner-to-be, or family and guests. It’s essential that you are open and honest with anyone involved in the process. This includes, but is not limited to: setting expectations and limitations up front, divvying up responsibilities, being straight-forward about money, and making a commitment to tackle this thing together. Doing this as a team should be one of your top priorities, so get comfortable using that all-important pro-noun: we.
When a church-member asked if Will and I would wed at the traditional church alter, his response was “Caitlin doesn’t want to get married in a church.” I was less than thrilled with his answer, for more than one reason, the largest being: we made that decision together. And it wasn’t fair for him to make it seem like that was my decision only (and throwing me under the proverbial bus in front of a mutually loved and respected family friend).
Similarly, I was QUICK to tell people that I would rather elope than have a wedding – which wasn’t fair to Will. We made an agreement that we would get married in front of an intimate group of family and friends (a compromise between his wish for a 250+ person party and my dream to have a whirlwind mountainside elopement). It wasn’t appropriate for me to make it seem like only Will wanted a wedding, when we made a mutual compromise.
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After those first few slip ups, we realized that in everything we did and every decision we made, it needed to be clear that we were in it together (BONUS: forget wedding planning, this is LIFE, y’all). So when we spoke with family or friends about anything wedding related, we make an effort to say ‘we decided’ and not shift responsibility or blame one another for a particular decision. Obviously that wasn’t true for things like decor (that’s all me, y’all) or other individual tasks we’ve divided between us, but hot-button issues are mutual pronouncements. No questions asked. Sure, it would be easy to blame the other party when they’re not around. But that’s dishonest and doesn’t address the issue: that people assume your wedding is going to be one way, when that isn’t what you and your beau want.
So if your family insists on an open bar while you’ve committed to a dry affair, lovingly inform the folks that a joint decision was already reached on that particular element and you hope they can respect your wishes. If a friend pitches a fit because she thinks a plus one is a given for her flavor-of-the-week and you would rather not feed and entertain someone whose name you won’t need to know in a month, let her know that due to a mutual agreement, plus ones will be given to individuals in long-standing relationship only. Yes, it would be much easier to shift the blame when you’re confronted with these occasionally awkward issues, but taking a firm and joint stand will actually lower tensions and lessen strain on your relationships from all fronts.
This post probably seems like common sense, but these realizations are part of my personal ‘wedding learning curve’ experience. My hope is that these posts enlighten a few non-wedding planning souls like myself!
Two big-ticket items are on the docket for the coming weeks: the guest list and budget! Check back often for more ‘Caitlin Planned a Wedding’ posts!